Tuesday, November 20, 2012

where does the good go

Caitlin couldn't help but want to stay in bed and cry. And she did.

At first, she thought she might be done within 20 minutes, but that was only the beginning. She didn't want to do anything but sob.

Maybe it was failure that got the best of her. She remembered how she was so excited about going to college. She was going to be a lawyer one day. Just where did that dream go?

A part of her wanted to think how she'd put this all on hold when she met Zeke, but she knew it wasn't all his fault.

It was the classes that took a toll on her. She knew early on she wasn't going to get into law school. It was true, she wasn't as smart as she thought she was. She knew her mother tried to tell her this, long before she ever headed to college, but she would not listen. She would show her.

But there was more turmoil in her head, swirling around. She couldn't even take care of herself, evidently.

Gavin scared her when he told her he thought she'd had a seizure. That was all she needed, some major catastrophy. What if her driving privileges were revoked? What if she'd have be heavily medicated and felt like a zombie?

Her blood sugar worried her too. Her mother was type two diabetic. Her dad too. It was inevitable. That was one of the reasons she was trying so hard to keep in shape. Eat the right foods. Exercise. She thought of all the news stories she heard nightly. If you wanted to stay young, you had to exercise, or your old brain would shrink and then went your mind.

Still there were more things to cry about. Her past kept haunting her. The baby. Why did that have to be fresh on her mind? Her biggest failure. Was she selfish not to ever want to try to have children again? She knew she couldn't handle it. It was a forbidden subject to even mention to Megan. No way did she want to freak her out.

But Caitlin couldn't help it. Having a child meant so much worry. She couldn't dare think of actually having a baby. It scared her so much. Perhaps everything about life frightened her, she didn't want to dare think about the alternative.

A part of her never wanted to get out of bed, but eight hours later, in the middle of the night, she got a phone call from her mother. It was her brother. He was coming home from Afghanistan. Injured. She wanted Caitlin to come home.


Sara said...

Maybe a little time home is what she needs?

ivy's closet said...

Hopefully, she'll be able to deal with her brother and family.

Mimi said...

i hope everything works out okay. :)

<3, Mimi
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Cafe Fashionista said...

Poor Caitlin. She is going through so much. :(