Something so simple

 

Pan felt he was in Boot Camp and Wade was his drill sergeant. These days, Wade had him up at five. Of course, most nights Pan said good night at eight. Oh, those long cold winter nights.

But he'd done his best to stay in line. They both looked accordingly in suit pants and ties at his mother's Christmas dinner.

"I really wished I'd worn my hoodie," Wade did confess. It was a messy day of snow and maybe they did overstay their visit. Gabe and Sammy came later on. They'd spent the earlier part of Christmas with Sammy's sort of step-dad. Pan might never know Sammy completely, but she was pretty darn adorable. And she'd brought food she'd made as well as some leftovers from Cam's.

"How are you feeling?" Gabe asked. Pan really didn't know what to tell him. He wanted to say, "The same." But he knew that wasn't so. Yes, Wade had made a difference. 

Everything of Roxanne's was gone. True, he felt a little weepy at times. Pan was doing his best not to let it show. Maybe she didn't want to see him. Oh, it felt as if he was in quartine. As it was, he felt he was having to follow Wade's lead in every step he took on Christmas day.

Of course, his mother wanted to know all about Wade.

"I'm pretty boring, actually," Wade sighed about the matter. Wade's mom went back to Singapore and his dad was a lifer in prison. "Yes, it's like walking a thin line, you know."

They all looked at him as if he needed to say more. Not one of them went on with the Christmas Ham dinner. It felt like a stop-motion kind of moment.

"I mean," Wade pressed his lips as if he should have never said anything. "I made a choice. Did I want to end up like him, or do something worthy with my life?" He said that's why he'd become a cop, and as horrible as it could sometimes be, he wouldn't want to be doing anything else.

Pan guessed his mom thought Wade was the best.

"I'm glad, you've met him," she said later when they were alone and Wade was taking care of putting the dishes in the dishwasher.

"Mom, we're not dating," he told her. She almost laughed.

"Oh, he seems to be a true friend," she never thought that way of Roxanne.

"I-I didn't know," Pan was a little shocked. "I thought you always liked her?"

"I dunno, she gave me an uneasy feeling," his mom winced. "Especially, when she hurt you like she did. I kept thinking was she doing this to you all this time and..and we didn't even know."  His mom's frown was a small circle, but he knew even now it pained her to speak of Rox as she hugged herself.

"Mom, that..that was all my fault." He bit back tears. "I don't know why I'm this way. I can't... didn't know how to talk to her." He was straight-lipped. "Do you think something is wrong with me?"

"Don't you think we all ask ourselves that?" She looked him in the eye. "We can take as many tests as we want, have as many labels as they give us,  find the medication we need, but it all comes down to making yourself try harder."

Pan nodded. Pan knew he had to find a way to like himself.