And then there was none

 Rox was on her hands and knees scrubbing the laundry room floor. Honestly, she'd never seen it this clean. She'd already mopped the kitchen floor, and vacuumed. Honestly, she'd never done this much housework in her life. And she felt like doing it all over again. Maybe as many times as it took. But it still remained. "From here on out, we've broken up."

She shut her eyes tight. Oh, she felt awful. For a moment she collapsed on the floor. Pan wasn't even here. He was at work. He'd gotten that friend Wade of his to tail her somehow. He knew where she was all along.

Damn, if she hated both of them. 

She felt so out of it, staring at the ceiling of that little laundry room. The trash only inches away from her. She breathed in and breathed out the Clorox fumes as if maybe she'd just do herself in.

There were photographs in the beginning. It felt like it was happening. There on the top of that building downtown Omaha on a dark night. Kaz was taking the shots with that hefty camera of his.

Of course, she was freezing in what little she was wearing, but after all, she was being her very own Cleopatra for at least a good thirty minutes are so. It wasn't like she was taking drugs. Still, it was a rush and she loved it. And of course, with tricks came treats.

God, it was liquid gold and she'd never felt so on fire. And it was with Kaz.

Yeah, they were in the back of his van. He was going to take her home. Boy, did he. She shattered in laughter now. It was as if she might relive it all over again. But she knew in the end it was over.

Kax was complicated. It wasn't until later that he mentioned he'd been a woman once. That didn't rattle Rox who told Kaz that most of the girls she knew who were trans men usually just did it with guys. They both laughed. Now she felt so sad that she'd had such a good time. She hadn't meant to hurt Pan. 

But it was really over.

Pan was naturally, giving her the silent treatment. She understood. She would not fight him. Of course, at breakfast, before he left, "I'm telling everyone we're through, but we're still living together."

She knew none of her friends would understand it. Hell, even Kaz wouldn't understand it. A part of her felt she was in prison. Yet, she felt the need to punish herself.

She got up and went to the bathroom to see if there was anything she could do to possibly make this pain go away. Not even a razor. Did Pan know she did things like that?

She went to the electric stove and turned it on. She watched the burner go orange. She studied it for a little while. She hadn't done this since middle school. Really she was out of practice.

"What are you doing!" Nonnie tore into the unlocked apartment. Rox looked at her as if this was odd. It was as if Nonnie magically knew what she was up to. "Don't do it!" Nonnie put a bear lock from behind her and physically whisked her from the kitchen.

Nonnie turned off the stove while Rox was on the couch. 

"I've been so worried about you. You don't even think about me, do you?" Nonnie was like a force of nature. 

Rox gave her a wrinkled look of disgust. "What does it matter?"

"Please, don't say this. It matters. You matter. Are you really OK? Should we go to the clinic?" Obviously, she was thinking the worst.

"No, I'm fine really," she shrugged. "I'm not gonna get pregnant."

"How do you know that?"

"I'm pretty sure," Rox told her she'd been taking a shot for birth control since she was thirteen. "I haven't had a period in forever." That's when she let slip that she'd been raped by a friend of her mother's and she had an abortion. "I don't ever talk about it. I mean, it's the past." She sighed with a nod.

Nonnie sat next to her. She nodded as if she understood.

"Plus, Kaz used to be a woman." Rox winced. "Does that mean I'm a lesbian?"

"Believe me, that's the least of your problems," Nonnie told her. 

"Pan broke up with me," Rox was in montone. "But we're still living together."

"Are you going to see Kaz, again?" Nonnie looked her over, but Rox was staring at some art piece that Pan painted long ago. It was very abstract and dark. He said it was a painting of her. Really, Rox wanted to cry.

"Don't think so. Don't see why we would." She was solemn. Really, she didn't want to think anymore.

"You are a good person," Nonnie told her.

"No, I'm not." The tears shed down her face and her nose watered. "I can't be."

"Pan was really upset. He didn't want you to get hurt." Nonnie told her as she put her arm around her "Really,  I think you're the strongest person I know."

"When have I ever been strong?" Rox looked at Nonnie. "No, you're the strong one. You care about people. You see the best in others. I want to see them cry. I want them to feel as bad as I do. I don't like seeing happy people."