Her eyes opened wide. There was the night light of the phone with the sound of rain next to the bed. It was like being in another world and yet Rox had an epiphany of some sort.
Maybe Pan had a congested heart. Maybe that's why he couldn't get it up. She sighed. Why did she have to think about him now? Naturally, the tears shed and she had nowhere to go but to be here next to Elvis who was sleeping with his back next to her. She winced hard thinking she was happy with him, but was she really?
Oh, she felt sad for Pan. What could this mean? Was it really something so clinical? She lay there trying to stay calm. Thinking back on how it used to be. His smile. How his skin touched her. The heat. The way he found his way to always make her feel allured and somehow better than she knew she was.
But she was with Elvis now. Honestly, Elvis hadn't let her down. He was gentle. He really was soft once she got to know his sweetness. Oh, he was so honest. She knew she had to cherish him. After all, she was his first.
Imagine that. She had to laugh. Even now. That idiot, she thought. Was that all he wanted all along from her? Someone to take his virginity?
She sighed deeply thinking she was a very bad girl. But she liked it that way. And she hated herself for being like this, too.
Maybe Pan meant to let her go, she now thought. Even with tears emerging, Rox knew it was over. It was done. They were through. There was no turning back. Why did she have to think about him in the middle of the night?
She felt a spasm of regret. Would this keep happening? Would it get better as the days wore on?
Maybe they'd only been lovers. They'd never been true friends. It didn't feel that way with Elvis. They were so together, from morning to night. He was always in contact with her. He wanted her input about everything. He was moving forward.
He could look like a devil child, but seriously he was all heart and she knew they could do this together if she just let herself.
She wanted to grow up. She wanted to be who Elvis needed. But still, moments like this came and went. And if it weren't for the comfort of him she might have felt like a lost cause. But being here in their bed it felt so solid as if anything was possible. She'd never felt like that with Pan and it still made her a little sad.
As mulheres sempre tem ilusões para uma relação perfeita.
ReplyDeleteUm excelente capítulo.
Beijinhos, paz e luz
Women always have illusions for a perfect relationship.
DeleteAn excellent chapter.❄️💕🎭🖤 Thanks so much!
Not meant to be perhaps
ReplyDeleteThere are things that simply cannot be...
ReplyDelete❤️❤️❤️
ReplyDeleteWe can sometimes like something about ourselves and hate it too. It's hard to be conflicted like that! And relationships can take forever to get over. I like how introspective thi is, how we're really getting in Rox's head...I think too that as hard as Pan is to get over, she's already feeling like she had a friendship with Elvis, not just sex or a "relationship"
ReplyDeleteOjala pueda superarlo. Genial fragmento. Te mando un beso.
ReplyDeleteTough relationships things...
ReplyDeleteSometimes it is hard to know if somebody is our friend or not.
ReplyDeleteOh relationships are difficult by nature because people are difficult by nature. 😉
ReplyDeleteThis is so deep and heartfelt! I think it's perfectly normal for Rox to reflect on her time with Pan, to worry about him even as she acknowledges that leaving him was the right thing to do. Speaking of which, her speculation about his congestive heart failure surprised me. It also made me wonder how your husband is doing. Well, I hope.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that Rox and Elvis are so in sync --- and that, despite her quips, she's more than just the cougar who took his virginity. Even better, I love that he's more to her too, not just a lover, but a friend. That's important! 😍💖😍💖